300th POST!

I made it so 300. This is pretty impressive. Who would have thought my head would hold enuogh stories or complaints for 300 posts!

So I'm pretty happy about that.

3 more days until Vegas. Can Not Wait.

I am going to get my hair did on Saturday too so I look extra hot. I can't wait, its getting a bit long so it will be nice to have the bangs shortened up a bit.

I'm trying to see if I can pull off a NYC trip this summer sometime to see Patty, I really miss her, alot. She got married too, a few weeks ago. And so incredibly happy so its about time, and I'm stupidly happy for her.

Anyways enough killing time, back to work! Happy 300th post, hahaha.

Settles

So life has settled out.

My bff/roomate bought a house, and put in for a year leave of absence from work w/o pay starting July 10. And is going to move down there and enjoy the unemployed life. So things have settled between us.
We went to this place called Crankpots, and painted ceramics because she really wanted to do it before she moved out of Edmonton. i mad a 'chalice'

Its like a pimp cup turned into a coffee mug. I love it, but I am no artist and we get it back in a week or so because they have to glaze it, but I am worried. It was streaky and every time I put it down the paint peeled off, so I'm worried its going to look like crap. But who cares.

And I stenciled my name on it, so nobody else can use it. Ha. But the stenciling is crooked and unevenly spaced. Basically its just like me :)

It was fun, but not something I would have done without my BFF.

And my workBFF got a promotion and is going to come back to work early! Yahoo! So she is back here in September. I miss having her around. It will be great.

And we're off to Vegas on Sunday! Cannot wait. Its going to be great.

And I am over the withdrawals and feel great. Stable. And drug free, yahoo!

And I stopped having morbid dreams.

So all-in-all everything has worked out. I've been Non-sister free for over 3 months, going on 4. Its been great.

I can't wait to sleep in the sun in Vegas with a cold margarita. Its going to be great.

More Complaints

So my BFF is living with me.

And she's been going on and on about missing her fiancee and everything so today I told her that I wouldn't be surprised if she just quits her job and moves down there and she asked why I thought that and I told her cuz she isn't strong enough to live without her fiancee, she's stronger with him

She is so pissed at me now and is accusing me of being unsupportive and negative and saying I'm dogging her all the time for not being independent.

I've made like 2 comments, and made them in jest.

And she just emailed me ripping my face off and basically saying I am a bad friend.

I am so sick of this shit, what the hell else could I possible so to be more supportive?

I've told her I'm happy for her, let her move in with my, gave her ideas, was excited about buying a house.

I mean there is nothing left to do to be supportive!
I am just so sick of this shit. She is such a drama queen and apparently no matter what I do its not right, and I'm mean and in 'reality' I am being a horrible friend because she can't bounce ideas off of me.

Worst idea ever to let her move in with my

But then again if I said no could you imagine the shit storm that would have caused?

Well I must be a pretty awful person.

This is all the insults I have gotten from 'friends'

She just called me at work to tell me off and said that for the last month I have only been negative to her, and insulted her and that she has been afraid to talk to me because of what sort of insult will come out of my mouth.

Then I asked for exampled and she said she had to go into a clients house and she would call me back.

I don't want to see her, hear from her, and I can tell you this, when she moves to the hat it will be al ong time before i hear from her.

She'll have her family and friends and fun down there, what the hell would she possible need from me?

I officially have one friend. One.

Other then J.

How pathetic am I that I only have ONE person in the world that I can call as a friend?

Wow, I am a pathetic mean spirited awful person.

The longer I live the more I think I must be reincarnated Hitler.

He's the only person people seem to hate more in the world.

Wow

So yesterday I played it off like nothing was wrong, and she acted completely normal, so I guess things are aight.

My mom and dad came to town too, but they didn't get in until late and are going to take me to lunch.

I'm trying to find a family doctor, but it is so hard. Nobody in Edmonton is taknig new patients. How much of bull shit is that? ANd I was going to this one place for like 2 years and they just told me yesterday when I called for an appointment that they aren't accepting new patients. And i was like but I'm not one.

Yes I am. Apparently I have to ask them?

Which I did the first time I went and they sort of laughed, and looked at my like I was a total idiot.

Then apparently I can't go there because they aren't my family doctor? This is bullshit. Stupid family doctors.

Psh, who needs one?

Well me, but that's besides the point.

My parents took me out for lunch today, which was delicious. So I was in a horrid mood all morning and then I saw them and I feel a million times better. How I love my mom and dad despite all the damn drama.

Let's keep this good mood up!

Im back

Okay, well its been a while.

And what a weekend.

So my BFF moved in last week. We went to a friends B-day and got shitfaced. We were all having a good time and then everybody got too drunk.

And this guy I have only met once in my life when me and J first started dating showed up. I have talked to this guy once, 6 years ago.

Well out of the blue J comes up to me and says he heard something funny. This loser, which will now be referred to as loser, told hi that i had another man when we were first together, and he named off the biggest losers. One is an urban cowboy, he wears hats to the bar and pretends he's a cow boy to get laid. One of my friends was dating him at the time.

Then there was this other guy, he's nice enough but he's is NOT my type, AT ALL! No attraction, AT ALL!

So J said this to me and I was like I'm going to go confront him.

So J kept sitting there, and I went into the house, getting stopped by one of our friends first who tried to talk me down from confronting him.

It worked, and then I walked away saw him and I was too drunk to not let it rip.
SO I told him off and he denied it. I yelled at him and he walked away.

I walked away too, then got more mad and went into the bedroom he was passed out in, turned on the lights and tried confronting him again and he kept denying it, so I started drunkenly punching him in the face and a friend pulled me off and threw me in a cab and sent me home. I know it was a bad idea to start punishing him, but in my defense a lot of the night is blank cuz i was so drunk. I blame jello shooters. They sneak up on you FAST!

so me and J get home and GO AT IT cuz he didn't stick up for me.

We fight and scream and yell and it is the worst fight we have ever had in our life.

I took my ring off and put it in my wallet, and J took it out to put it back on my finger, but my BFF the next day told me this didn't happen, and that he took it back for good. But when we were fighting in bed, he did try to give it back and say don't take it off but I wouldn't, so he slept in it. I forgot this so when I woke up in the morning I was looking for it and it was gone. J was sleeping with it to give it back to my first thing. Now my BFF told me that she overheard everything and she knows what happened.

So I'm pretty choked that she would say that to me, and try to interfere. She kep saying "look I'm trying to be honest" and I get that, but she did NOT hear the whole argument, she was puking in the bathroom or passed out in her bed. Yeah she heard a lot of the fight, but being that we were all so drunk, I don't think its right that she was all I would never forgive him, he was awful, he didn't stand up for you...

And yeah, but we were both drunk, and in his defense every time i've come across conflict I've taken it on myself cuz I'm good at that sort of thing, and I am a B*tch.

So my BFF basically said she regrets moving in because we put her in the middle of the fight (Total bullshit, the fight was never about her and she was not brought into it.)

So she's been acting all weird to me, accusing me of making her uncomfortable. Listen, couples fight. But now, three days after, she is still being weird and ignoring me and hanging out in her room all the time.

So I am just upset, cuz its like shouldn't she have been trying to comfort me, instead of flipping it around to 'poor BFF she witnessed a fight and is too sensitive to handle it?"

I think she's using it as an excuse to quit her job and go down south to live with her fiancee because she cannot breathe without the strength of a man around.

And all of her friends are there too, she has none here (apparently I am included in this? What else does "All my friends live there" mean?

Once again, I am alone and a pathetic loser because nobody likes me or wants to be my friend.

High School all over again.

I am pretty upset.
About everything.

I wish I didn't have to go home to her attitude cuz I am afraid I will just end up telling her off and where to go.

Effexor is the devil, but I'm starting to feel better.

So today I am feeling much much much better, I had a good vodka OJ, workout and sleep....
Day by day.

The smallest pill you can get is 37.5 mg, so I was taking 75, went down to 37.5 then stopped.

And honestly, the only reason I had any problems was because of NS. She gave me anxiety attacks, and since she had just gone on anti-depressants because of her post partem depression, she wanted me to too and my mom agreed and when you're having an anxiety attack, you can't really make good decisions. So I've learned to handle my temper, but I don't need them. I can be happy on my own. Yeah I get depressed, but everyone does. Id rather deal with a bit of depression now and again to weight gain and chemical dependence.

Effexor is hell and nobody should go on it.

J has been amazingly helpful though. And tonight my work-BFF gets back! YAHOO!!!!

And I booked Friday off as a flex day because its going to be a long enough week, so I booked it off and forgot I am on course on Monday so I get technically a day weekend. All I am doing on Monday is learning how to deal with difficult people and how to reduce stress in my work environment.

AKA I don't have to deal with the crazies, and can leave half way through and nobody will know a thing. How awesome is that. That's the plan!!!

I found out I had a bunch of problems with my car, so I had to take it in to the shop to get it fixed and its going to cost $700!!! So I'm upset about that, I borrowed the money from my mom and dad and once my BFF moves in I am going to give my mom and dad the rent money, then pay the remaining $200 back in July, so that blows starting the summer off in financial hell. Especially cuz we're going to Vegas at the end of June! Oh well, what can you do.

And then my glasses broke, and its a few months after my prescription ran out, so I have to go get another eye test and glasses, and they are so expensive.

Oh the joys of bills. Once i get all this paid off I am hoping to work on my line of credit and VISA to pay off. I'm hoping i win big in Vegas and maybe i won't have any financial worries.

Yeah right. I could be so lucky.

But clearly I am feeling better because I've sat down to write in the blog and had writers block, and now its coming out of me so I think its day one of starting to feel better from the nasty withdrawal. Hurray! Stay positive Meika!!

And thanks for all the well wishes. It means A LOT to me!!! Its nice knowing I'm not alone out there in the big bad world. Thanks ladies :)

Wow Withdrawal

So I was doing super good coming off the meds. I've been off them now for 2 weeks.

Then this weekend, wow. The withdrawals have been giving me anxiety attacks, brain shivers, stomach aches, head aches.

Its disgusting. I am so sad and having panic attacks over everything. I thought I was doing so good, and then it hit.

And then NS came by to pick up her stuff and caused all of these problems because they left the u-haul in my driveway all morning and into the afternoon and my BFF needed to get into the garage and they couldn't. And I told them to move it and they freaked out and said I was being this horrible person, so I SNAPPED.

I had the worst panic attack ever. I am still feeling really down. And it totally sucks because no matter what I do or think, there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and i just have to stick with it.

At least its not as bad as some people, they can't even go into work. I am here, I may not be in the happiest mood, and I may have broken down and bawled on my break because somebody was rude to me..... but I'm here.

I just really hope I can make it through it. I've had a lot of support from J and my mom, but other then that I feel sooooooooo alone and scared.

I wish I had something to get me through this until I've got the drugs out of my system, but there is nothing.

And my family has always been the most important thing to me ever, and the last few months have proved to me its been a one-sided relationship, so I'm going through a lot of painful thoughts, knowing that I truly cannot rely on my family like I thought I could my entire life.

This is really depressing, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. Its like there is this train in my brain going around in circles with the same thoughts on it going around and around and around.... and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about it.

And excercise and healthy eating is a complete lie to help, it hasn't.